The Papal alarm clock is one of many new inventions by Sinker Daly, but he's yet to build any prototypes. For the past week he's been sitting in a field with the glue he found, and he refuses to give it back until the crows leave his caravan, 'Goodbye Crows' is the title of the novel he wrote. He says he hopes everyone will read it because there's a lesson in it for all of us, especially the crows. He refused to comment when he was asked if he'd read the book himself.

A helmet that makes you believe you're Kraftwerk, all four of them. This is the latest invention of Ted 'Tweedie' Twedache. In his demonstration of the helmet, he tapped things with a spoon and nodded, because that's what he thinks Kraftwerk do. He's also keeping a list of all the things he's hit off his head while wearing the helmet. He says that something ran away with that list.

Robots whose shoulders are also their wives. They're programmed to say, "I was playing golf with my knees," whenever their shoulders want to know where they've been.

Ping Hennigen revealed his latest invention on the street outside the community centre last night. It's a mechanical butler that says 'Do not be alarmed' and sets things on fire. Ping says he added in the 'Do not be alarmed' message after he noticed the butler's tendency to set things on fire. In response to criticism of the butler, Ping said, "Would anyone be talking about a butler who didn't set things on fire?"

Needle Murphy's musical Mother's Day cards have been selling very well, and his company is expanding all the time. From next month, they'll be producing an insect spray called 'I killed something on your head'. When asked what other products were in the pipeline, Needle mentioned something he calls 'pig's utensicles', which can be used to kill rabbits or in aroma therapy. When it was pointed out that the name 'pig's utensicles' would be likely to put people off, he said that was like saying that 'a dead horse' is a bad way to describe a dead horse.

A fake beard stuck in a mangle that will provide the ideal excuse for getting out of family engagements.

Glasses that make September look like the day in August when you saw something very interesting on a wall.

A box that you can look into and say, "This isn't exactly my area." Sinker Daly says it has made him appear 35% more intelligent. He used the box to give a thorough account of his research methods at the Ballydeelin Research and Development Group's new Centre for Research and Technology.

A slide machine that makes everything look like a cowboy next to a cardboard horse.

Needle 'Thomas Aquinas' Murphy has set up a company in Ballydeelin to make polyphonic musical cards. They've already created 'thank you' and birthday cards, and next week they'll be releasing a 'please' card. Needle says it has the effect of getting down on your knees in tears and saying, "If you don't marry me I'll die alone, and I'll even let you kill that thing in the bathroom."

They're currently working on a range of cards that will provide a musical expression of friendship. Needle told us, "It'll be like when Starsky runs to Hutch and they embrace in the same way those two goats fell off the cliff, not in any intimate sort of a way."

Trucie Gallagher has written a DIY book from an inventor's perspective. It's called 'Honey I balls'd up the microwave'. He'll be signing copies at Leary's bookshop on Tuesday.

An abnormally large fake forehead with 'auctioneer' written on it. Ping Hennigen says he used it to sell his brother's cow shed.

A computerised job interviewer that can be implanted in a goat's head.

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have distanced themselves from the statements attributed to one of its members during a press conference to unveil their latest research into gambling. During the question and answer session at the end, it emerged that he believes Wednesday to be something knitted by Tuesday. When he was asked where Tuesday comes from he said, "I don't know for definite, but I think it's something painted onto the gable end of my house by Monday. I'd have to observe the gable end of my house before answering that definitively."

A spokesman for the Group claimed that his remarks were taken out of context and rejected reports that he has been staring at the gable end of his house ever since the press conference. They have also asked local teenagers to stop throwing cans at him.

Sinker Daly has released the latest version of his automated wedding planner. The groom now comes in three different shades of grey. He has denied ever using a cat as a bride.

A map obscured by the words 'I'm almost exploding with excitement'.

Drunk lava lamps.