Electronic tags for rabbits that simulate the experience of guilt from an affair with a woman who threw a cigarette lighter at a bus shelter.

A bear detector that will make you look 15% more virile.

Shoes that know who Kate Bush is.

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have recently been examining an invention by a local woman, Mrs. Tree-Placename. In their report, they say they are satisfied that it's not a 'clairvoyant TV' that will show you the future, but that it's really just a video of Mrs. Tree-Placename doing various exercises and saying, "Where am I? Am I... I thought I was there, but am I? This is really spooky. Where am I now? Oooh. I don't know where I am. This is really, really spooky." Mrs. Tree-Placename says she knew they would say that, and she insists her TV is over seventy percent effective.

Our local hang man, 'Curly' Forenoon, has been out of work for a while due to the lack of hangings. Over the past few years he's had moderate success as an inventor. His most ambitious project was a symphony orchestra who are incapable of perceiving rats. But he's given up the inventing and he's turned his hand to writing children's books, hoping to present a more positive image of his profession. His first book is called 'Toy Toy Happy Day Puppy Toy Puppy Toy Hanging', and it goes on sale next week.

Factories for bad cats to work in.

Shampoo that will temporarily blind your servants.

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group are investigating an incident at a recent conference, when their chairman was giving a speech. The opening text in the autocue was replaced by the following words: "And now a pony. Look at the lovely pony. Isn't that a lovely, lovely pony. If you saw that pony on the street now, wouldn't you say that's a lovely pony altogether. Woudn't you love to give that pony a kiss. Go on, give the pony a great big kiss there. Go on. No one's looking. It's such a lovely, lovely pony."

A spokesman for the group said they're taking the incident very seriously, and they fully expect to find the culprits.

We're sad to announce the death of a great local inventor, Stick Gray-Sheehan, who passed away earlier this week, aged ninety-four. Some of his most famous inventions include an abacus operated by a crossbow, and a kitchen that slopes to one side, the direction of the slope determined by shooting lightbulbs. He left behind thousands of blueprints and a dog who knows what Stick said on his deathbed, but he won't tell anyone in case they accuse him of being racist, an accusation often levelled against Stick.

A T-shirt with the words 'I've got a pliers' that emits chloroform when someone tries to take your pliers.