A padlock with an amazing technicolour dreamcoat.

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have recently expanded their field of inquiry to include work on various sports. Their latest research on mice has found that a weekly game of squash is as healthy as two cups of coffee and a kick in the shins. They point out that this does not apply to a game with 'Hatchet' Driscoll. They have suggested that such a game would be as healthy as being thrown over a cliff in a carpet.

They've also been working on golf, and they say they have come up with a set of clubs which result in a 40% improvement in distance. Critics have claimed that they used a pirate with a hook for a hand to test the old clubs. They insist that they used the same person to test both sets, and with the new clubs there's much less interference with the parrot on his shoulder during the back swing.

Monkeys that can type sixty words per minute and make inappropriate advances towards greyhounds.

A robotic scullery maid that will spread slanderous rumours about your neighbours.

A tuxedo that will re-arrange its stains to make it look as if you've been attacked by a were-wolf.

Pencils which can only be used to write the words 'There's a goose on your head'.

A straight jacket with a scent that will make you irresistable to the opposite sex.

Chimpanzee doctors that will save the Health Service millions by hiding in woods.