The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have been working on a match box full of tiny flame-haired witches who are anti-arson. A spokesman for the Group had to concede that in every box there's bound to be one or two who are pro-arson, and will actively encourage people to set things on fire. The spokesman also admitted that most of the witches are pro-smoking.

John Thousand-Percent has just unveiled his latest invention. It's a street sign that says 'Cindi Lauper Street' when no one is looking at it. When he was asked if other names could be used on the sign he said, "No, just Cindi Lauper."

6:03 AM