Ping Hennigen has invented a computerised voice box that will come up with an excuse for any awkward situation you find yourself in -- you just have to move your lips to the sound of the voice. It can be set to say either 'It was you who said it was a fire engine' or 'A goat ate my shoe'.

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have given their approval to the voice box, but they've cast doubt over another other recent invention by Ping: jumping over a microphone on a BMX. Critics have suggested that it's not really an invention at all, and that he came nowhere near jumping over the microphone anyway. They say he cycled into a wall and said, "I'm going for a shower."

This comes just a few months after the Group dismissed the glass he invented. They also questioned his claim to have invented a coat that will make you invisible at weekends. They pointed out that Ping tends to get lost in the forest a lot.

Headphones that will hypnotise you into thinking you're watching mud wrestling when you're attending the marriage of the person you love to someone who put a dead crow in your car.

A robot that will take your place at events you'd rather not attend. Says 'Mommy' and runs with out-stretched arms towards replacement hips.

Business cards that can be used as sunglasses if you've got exceptionally good eyesight.

A telescope that really, really likes you.

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group held a showcase for local inventors last Friday night. The Mayor himself took part, with a camera that he claims can photograph ghosts. Unfortunately, the images he exhibited on the night were all of him killing chickens. "I don't know how all fifty-six of them got in there," he said.

Another highlight was the Mayor's brother, Joe. He invented a voodoo doll dictionary. If you say a word, the doll will give a definition. On the night, the only phrases the doll said were things like 'set the table, Ally MacBeal' or 'fail in your job, Ally MacBeal'. "He's doing this on purpose," Joe said. "He's been angry with me since I stuck a pin in his back. But he does give very good advice on relationships too. Now wouldn't be the best time to ask about that."

The longest Bon Jovi fan on the planet. Special thongs required.

An interactive dimmer switch that answers 'He's gone to get the scissors' when you ask it a question.

Trucie Gallagher unveiled his latest invention yesterday. It's a vampire bat that he trained to be a key ring. He guarantees that you'll never lose your keys again, unless the bat gets lost, or hides because he's angry with you (Trucie has also trained the bat to understand the concept of its own birthday, and he says the bat would be very upset with you if you forgot that). He also trained the bat to say 'yes' or 'no' when you ask the question 'is that my foot?'. A member of The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group has said that the bat says 'yes' in a very funny way when you ask 'is that my neck?'. Trucie says you're not supposed to say 'is that my neck?'.

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have revealed that they're working on stair steps that say things when you stand on them. Some of the basic phrases used by the steps will by 'have you lost weight?', or 'no, that's not creaking, it's just... it's just Jimmy; he's digging a hole'.