East Cork Patents Office

A Wig

2009-11-02T05:25:00.000-08:00

Needle Murphy has invented a wig that collects and stores rain water. It uses the water to make beer.

A Bike

2009-08-24T03:15:00.000-07:00

Trucie Gallagher will be unveiling his new bike tomorrow. As the wheels go around they make a noise that will frighten dogs and birds. He gets chased by dogs every time he goes for a bike ride, and birds are always flying into his mouth. He hates when this happens, especially when the birds refuse to come out the way they went in. He's working on a noise that will frighten snails and make them run up the sleeves of the people who throw snails at him.

Shoes

2009-07-11T06:26:00.000-07:00

Sinker Daly has invented shoes that will take you home from the pub at night so you don't have to drive.

They may choose to take the scenic route home. The shoes are waterproof, so they won't break down in the middle of a lake or a river. After numerous experiments, Sinker has found that most of the drinkers in the pub have waterproof heads, so they won't need to worry about a trip underwater.

Ping's Factory

2009-06-22T03:35:00.000-07:00

Ping Hennigen has built a factory near the woods. It's invisible for most of the day. You can only see it for a few minutes at twilight. The factory will produce some of Ping's recent inventions, such as a battery that you can recharge by filling it with milk. A single cow is powering all of his electrical appliances. He's also invented a hearing aid that you can wear in your eye. It's powered by one of his milk batteries. He's currently working on roses in tablet form. He says they'll be ideal for Valentine's Day.

A Cardboard Cut-out

2009-05-19T03:07:00.000-07:00

Needle Murphy has created a cardboard cut-out of himself to meet the politicians who are calling at his door for the upcoming local and European elections. He says it's the smell that fools them. He's spent years developing a scent that will fool politicians into believing that the cardboard cut-out is human. You can order a cut-out of yourself from Needle's company. He denies reports that his wife has run off with his cardboard cut-out after claiming that the cardboard version of him was better in bed.

These are some of the politicians who have been calling at Needle's door:

Clothes Trees

2009-04-16T06:56:00.000-07:00

Noel Garplogner grows his own clothes in his orchard. He says he's completely self-sufficient. The harvest last autumn brought him more than enough clothes for winter, as well as Christmas presents for his relatives. He's selling seeds for clothes trees.

Shampoo

2009-03-24T04:23:00.000-07:00

Eileen Curlearbee has invented a shampoo that makes your hair drunk. She came up with the idea after her cousin Kevin once shouted so loudly that the hairs on his head came to life and started fighting each other.

Luckily, he found a hair dresser who was able to subdue his hair. Eileen claims that her shampoo will also subdue your hair in situations like this. Some people have said that the shampoo is only likely to make them fight more, but Eileen claims that after applying the shampoo you'll be able to shout as loudly as you want and you won't wake your hair.

A Headless Robot

2009-02-14T04:40:00.000-08:00

Trucie Gallagher's latest invention is a headless robot. A mechanical mouse will explore the robot's surroundings, and will then send radio messages back to the robot to guide it. The mouse will be able to go anywhere a normal mouse would go.

The robot spends most of its time looking for its head. Trucie doesn't know if the mouse is making him do this or if he's doing it of his own accord. He built a headless robot because his most recent robot kept scratching its head. He should never have given this robot a cheap wig and the ability to feel itches.

Needle's Perfect Pint

2009-01-15T03:57:00.001-08:00

Needle Murphy claims to have created the perfect pint of stout. You'll go through three different emotions as you drink it. The first is a feeling of ecstacy, which is followed by a fear that you're being followed by a gorilla. The final stage is depression. In the early stage's of the drink's development, the depression came first and the ecstacy last, but in tests Needle found that people stopped drinking after one pint if it left them in a state of ecstacy. They went to the park to run around in circles or they built hovercrafts.

A man going out to celebrate
the completion of his first hovercraft.

Four B's and a Dart with Wings

2008-12-20T03:45:00.000-08:00

Ping Hennigen claims to have invented four B's and a dart with wings. The darts take a scenic route to the board. Some go out the window and will return hours later, giving you time to have a few pints before your dart hits the board. Some winged darts have turned up days later after going on hunting trips.

The invention of the B's was a long and arduous process that involved months of experimentation and a near-fatal hot air balloon accident.

A Weight-Loss Method

2008-10-30T05:20:00.000-07:00

Needle Murphy's uncle has lost nearly two stone simply by cryogenically freezing his head. He says it's a guaranteed way of losing weight.

A Motorbike

2008-09-30T03:23:00.000-07:00

Trucie Gallagher has just finished work on a motorbike. Instead of engine noise you'll hear jazz music. He's assembling his own biker gang to form a jazz band.

News: Ghost Confused by Aunt's Hands

2008-08-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have been conducting research into vandalism. They've discovered that most people who vandalise phone booths do so on the advice of a ghost who keeps talking about his aunt's abnormally large hands, when not saying, "I think you should set that phone booth on fire." This is a roundabout way of saying that most people who vandalise phone booths are Liffey Keefe.

They've also been looking at why so many people in the dark side of Ballydeelin think they're David Bowie, and why so many people have been hospitalised after fights to decide who is the real David Bowie.

A Weather Forecaster

2008-07-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

Sinker Daly has invented a machine for predicting the weather. You have to key in a few numbers -- such as the number of snails his aunt finds in her shoe in the morning, or the number of squirrels he finds jumping up and down on his trampoline -- and the machine makes its prediction based on these.

A Tree House

2008-06-11T08:04:00.001-07:00

Noel Garplogner, a local architect, has recently been designing eco-friendly houses. He's just started work on a tree house in his back garden. He hopes to live in it during the summer months.

A Rocket

2008-05-20T02:57:00.000-07:00

Redmond Rodlet-Callaghan has just finished work on a rocket for a planned trip to the moon.

The rocket minimises the dangers of re-entering the atmosphere by falling over on take-off.

Robot Snails

2008-04-12T03:22:00.000-07:00

Trucie Gallagher has just started manufacturing robot snails that can hunt down and disable a cheetah. They're fired out of a gun to send them on their way.

A Stun Gun

2008-03-08T02:39:00.000-08:00

Needle Murphy's company have started producing stun guns that you can legally use on aliens who don't wear trousers.

This illustration is based on Needle's description of the aliens. It's worth bearing in mind that his description of the vampire pigs proved to be surprisingly accurate.

An Indoor Ski Slope

2008-02-13T03:21:00.000-08:00

Trucie Gallagher has built an indoor ski slope.

Godwooser

2008-01-18T05:13:00.000-08:00

Needle Murphy's company are now producing a beer called Godwooser. Needle says he's using brewing techniques that were taught to him be an angel who appears to him every night in the guise of a devil. He originally marketed it as a beer that could give you a thirst for life similar to the new-found love of life that comes with religious conversion. He used the following illustration to show people enjoying life after drinking Godwooser.

This marketing strategy was unsuccessful. Sales have increased by four-hundred percent since he started using this illustration:

Fake Snow

2007-12-21T06:22:00.000-08:00

Fake snow that will form into a snowman if you leave it overnight.

A Robot

2007-11-20T03:18:00.000-08:00

Ping Hennigen's latest robot can be set to either 'happy' or 'racist' modes. Ping says it's ideal for getting rid of visitors when it's set to the happy mode.

Hypno Glasses

2007-10-26T07:27:00.001-07:00

Hypno glasses that make women want to sleep with you.

A Pipe

2007-10-09T06:09:00.000-07:00

Ted Mintgalleon is a local storyteller, just like his father and grandfather. He's invented a story-telling pipe. He tears up pages from a dictionary and puts them into the pipe. When the pages burn, the smoke forms words as it rises. During a demonstration, Ted's pipe produced the following story:

Tommy cuts down trees. He started doing it as a way to meet women. He hasn't met any women so far, although he has cut down a lot of trees. Chris started digging holes as a way to cut down trees. He hasn't cut down any trees so far, although he has met a lot of women. One of those women was against cutting down trees, but he was able to pretend that he was just digging holes.

When Tommy and Chris fell for the same woman they didn't know what they should cut down to decide which one of them should have a go at her. If their grandfathers were still alive they'd have suggested solving the problem amicably by shooting each other, but their grandfathers were dead, having shot each other. The solution came about in an unlikely form...

Ted needed to re-fill his pipe at this point. After he had done so, he lit it again. The pipe produced the following ending to the story: I sat on a snail.

News: Military Presence in Ballydeelin.

2007-09-21T07:53:00.001-07:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have recently hired former military personnel. They've been working on Christmas lights that self-destruct in January, so you won't need to take them down. In tests, the lights have taken out the tree as well. They've also created a three-wheeled wheelbarrow that holds up to four Vulcan corpses. For security reasons, they refuse to say what military unit they belonged to.

Ping Hennigen has taken a break from his work on flammable cornflakes to create a robotic kangaroo with three eyes. It spends all of its time wondering why it has three eyes. This is a safety device so it won't spend its time wondering how it's going to kill you.

Ping has been using the kangaroo as a vase.