East Cork Patents Office

A Wig

2009-11-02T05:25:00.000-08:00

Needle Murphy has invented a wig that collects and stores rain water. It uses the water to make beer.

A Bike

2009-08-24T03:15:00.000-07:00

Trucie Gallagher will be unveiling his new bike tomorrow. As the wheels go around they make a noise that will frighten dogs and birds. He gets chased by dogs every time he goes for a bike ride, and birds are always flying into his mouth. He hates when this happens, especially when the birds refuse to come out the way they went in. He's working on a noise that will frighten snails and make them run up the sleeves of the people who throw snails at him.

Shoes

2009-07-11T06:26:00.000-07:00

Sinker Daly has invented shoes that will take you home from the pub at night so you don't have to drive.

They may choose to take the scenic route home. The shoes are waterproof, so they won't break down in the middle of a lake or a river. After numerous experiments, Sinker has found that most of the drinkers in the pub have waterproof heads, so they won't need to worry about a trip underwater.

Ping's Factory

2009-06-22T03:35:00.000-07:00

Ping Hennigen has built a factory near the woods. It's invisible for most of the day. You can only see it for a few minutes at twilight. The factory will produce some of Ping's recent inventions, such as a battery that you can recharge by filling it with milk. A single cow is powering all of his electrical appliances. He's also invented a hearing aid that you can wear in your eye. It's powered by one of his milk batteries. He's currently working on roses in tablet form. He says they'll be ideal for Valentine's Day.

A Cardboard Cut-out

2009-05-19T03:07:00.000-07:00

Needle Murphy has created a cardboard cut-out of himself to meet the politicians who are calling at his door for the upcoming local and European elections. He says it's the smell that fools them. He's spent years developing a scent that will fool politicians into believing that the cardboard cut-out is human. You can order a cut-out of yourself from Needle's company. He denies reports that his wife has run off with his cardboard cut-out after claiming that the cardboard version of him was better in bed.

These are some of the politicians who have been calling at Needle's door:

Clothes Trees

2009-04-16T06:56:00.000-07:00

Noel Garplogner grows his own clothes in his orchard. He says he's completely self-sufficient. The harvest last autumn brought him more than enough clothes for winter, as well as Christmas presents for his relatives. He's selling seeds for clothes trees.

Shampoo

2009-03-24T04:23:00.000-07:00

Eileen Curlearbee has invented a shampoo that makes your hair drunk. She came up with the idea after her cousin Kevin once shouted so loudly that the hairs on his head came to life and started fighting each other.

Luckily, he found a hair dresser who was able to subdue his hair. Eileen claims that her shampoo will also subdue your hair in situations like this. Some people have said that the shampoo is only likely to make them fight more, but Eileen claims that after applying the shampoo you'll be able to shout as loudly as you want and you won't wake your hair.

A Headless Robot

2009-02-14T04:40:00.000-08:00

Trucie Gallagher's latest invention is a headless robot. A mechanical mouse will explore the robot's surroundings, and will then send radio messages back to the robot to guide it. The mouse will be able to go anywhere a normal mouse would go.

The robot spends most of its time looking for its head. Trucie doesn't know if the mouse is making him do this or if he's doing it of his own accord. He built a headless robot because his most recent robot kept scratching its head. He should never have given this robot a cheap wig and the ability to feel itches.

Needle's Perfect Pint

2009-01-15T03:57:00.001-08:00

Needle Murphy claims to have created the perfect pint of stout. You'll go through three different emotions as you drink it. The first is a feeling of ecstacy, which is followed by a fear that you're being followed by a gorilla. The final stage is depression. In the early stage's of the drink's development, the depression came first and the ecstacy last, but in tests Needle found that people stopped drinking after one pint if it left them in a state of ecstacy. They went to the park to run around in circles or they built hovercrafts.

A man going out to celebrate
the completion of his first hovercraft.

Four B's and a Dart with Wings

2008-12-20T03:45:00.000-08:00

Ping Hennigen claims to have invented four B's and a dart with wings. The darts take a scenic route to the board. Some go out the window and will return hours later, giving you time to have a few pints before your dart hits the board. Some winged darts have turned up days later after going on hunting trips.

The invention of the B's was a long and arduous process that involved months of experimentation and a near-fatal hot air balloon accident.

A Weight-Loss Method

2008-10-30T05:20:00.000-07:00

Needle Murphy's uncle has lost nearly two stone simply by cryogenically freezing his head. He says it's a guaranteed way of losing weight.

A Motorbike

2008-09-30T03:23:00.000-07:00

Trucie Gallagher has just finished work on a motorbike. Instead of engine noise you'll hear jazz music. He's assembling his own biker gang to form a jazz band.

News: Ghost Confused by Aunt's Hands

2008-08-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have been conducting research into vandalism. They've discovered that most people who vandalise phone booths do so on the advice of a ghost who keeps talking about his aunt's abnormally large hands, when not saying, "I think you should set that phone booth on fire." This is a roundabout way of saying that most people who vandalise phone booths are Liffey Keefe.

They've also been looking at why so many people in the dark side of Ballydeelin think they're David Bowie, and why so many people have been hospitalised after fights to decide who is the real David Bowie.

A Weather Forecaster

2008-07-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

Sinker Daly has invented a machine for predicting the weather. You have to key in a few numbers -- such as the number of snails his aunt finds in her shoe in the morning, or the number of squirrels he finds jumping up and down on his trampoline -- and the machine makes its prediction based on these.

A Tree House

2008-06-11T08:04:00.001-07:00

Noel Garplogner, a local architect, has recently been designing eco-friendly houses. He's just started work on a tree house in his back garden. He hopes to live in it during the summer months.

A Rocket

2008-05-20T02:57:00.000-07:00

Redmond Rodlet-Callaghan has just finished work on a rocket for a planned trip to the moon.

The rocket minimises the dangers of re-entering the atmosphere by falling over on take-off.

Robot Snails

2008-04-12T03:22:00.000-07:00

Trucie Gallagher has just started manufacturing robot snails that can hunt down and disable a cheetah. They're fired out of a gun to send them on their way.

A Stun Gun

2008-03-08T02:39:00.000-08:00

Needle Murphy's company have started producing stun guns that you can legally use on aliens who don't wear trousers.

This illustration is based on Needle's description of the aliens. It's worth bearing in mind that his description of the vampire pigs proved to be surprisingly accurate.

An Indoor Ski Slope

2008-02-13T03:21:00.000-08:00

Trucie Gallagher has built an indoor ski slope.

Godwooser

2008-01-18T05:13:00.000-08:00

Needle Murphy's company are now producing a beer called Godwooser. Needle says he's using brewing techniques that were taught to him be an angel who appears to him every night in the guise of a devil. He originally marketed it as a beer that could give you a thirst for life similar to the new-found love of life that comes with religious conversion. He used the following illustration to show people enjoying life after drinking Godwooser.

This marketing strategy was unsuccessful. Sales have increased by four-hundred percent since he started using this illustration:

Fake Snow

2007-12-21T06:22:00.000-08:00

Fake snow that will form into a snowman if you leave it overnight.

A Robot

2007-11-20T03:18:00.000-08:00

Ping Hennigen's latest robot can be set to either 'happy' or 'racist' modes. Ping says it's ideal for getting rid of visitors when it's set to the happy mode.

Hypno Glasses

2007-10-26T07:27:00.001-07:00

Hypno glasses that make women want to sleep with you.

A Pipe

2007-10-09T06:09:00.000-07:00

Ted Mintgalleon is a local storyteller, just like his father and grandfather. He's invented a story-telling pipe. He tears up pages from a dictionary and puts them into the pipe. When the pages burn, the smoke forms words as it rises. During a demonstration, Ted's pipe produced the following story:

Tommy cuts down trees. He started doing it as a way to meet women. He hasn't met any women so far, although he has cut down a lot of trees. Chris started digging holes as a way to cut down trees. He hasn't cut down any trees so far, although he has met a lot of women. One of those women was against cutting down trees, but he was able to pretend that he was just digging holes.

When Tommy and Chris fell for the same woman they didn't know what they should cut down to decide which one of them should have a go at her. If their grandfathers were still alive they'd have suggested solving the problem amicably by shooting each other, but their grandfathers were dead, having shot each other. The solution came about in an unlikely form...

Ted needed to re-fill his pipe at this point. After he had done so, he lit it again. The pipe produced the following ending to the story: I sat on a snail.

News: Military Presence in Ballydeelin.

2007-09-21T07:53:00.001-07:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have recently hired former military personnel. They've been working on Christmas lights that self-destruct in January, so you won't need to take them down. In tests, the lights have taken out the tree as well. They've also created a three-wheeled wheelbarrow that holds up to four Vulcan corpses. For security reasons, they refuse to say what military unit they belonged to.

Ping Hennigen has taken a break from his work on flammable cornflakes to create a robotic kangaroo with three eyes. It spends all of its time wondering why it has three eyes. This is a safety device so it won't spend its time wondering how it's going to kill you.

Ping has been using the kangaroo as a vase.

A Cow Bulb

2007-09-07T08:40:00.000-07:00

The cow bulb is Needle Murphy's latest invention. It's designed to capture the methane emitted by cows and ignite it. When the methane rises, it turns the blades of the fan. There are match sticks attached to the ends of the blades. The match will light when it strikes a rough surface and the methane will ignite. Needle has written the following piece to promote his invention:

It has been suggested that methane emissions from cows may be contributing to global warming. My invention will significantly reduce the amount of methane being released into the atmosphere. It will also change the way we see cows, and each other. Why bother with an energy saving light bulb when a cow in your kitchen will provide all the light and milk you need with its emissions. Why bother looking up at the sky at night when you can look out over the fields and see thousands of sparkling lights as the cows digest the grass they eat. The divide between city life and country life will become blurred. Cows will line the streets to provide the lighting. The farmer will become an indispensable member of staff in hotels and office buildings. A similar device is also possible for humans. Our pioneering celebrities will be the first to promote these devices by using them in public. Lighting gaseous emissions will no longer be considered a breach of etiquette at dinner parties. In fact, it would be considered an act of barbarism against the environment to leave emissions un-lit. If the flame can't be used for lighting, then it could be used to toast marshmallows.

An Umbrella

2007-08-26T05:40:00.000-07:00

Hilda has been growing her umbrella for over ten years.

(Click below for larger image).

A Blindfold

2007-08-16T05:25:00.000-07:00

A blindfold that can be used if you want to hide. After months of tests, its inventor says it's even more effective than putting a lampshade on your head.

(Click below for larger image)

A Suit

2007-08-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

Sinker Daly has invented a suit that's guaranteed to attract women.

(Click below for larger image)

The emergency button will turn off the suit's powers of attraction if it attracts females who aren't human, or humans who aren't female, or females you're trying to hide from. Sinker claims that the suit is so powerful it once attracted a lawn mower.

Glasses

2007-08-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

Glasses that allow you to see what your doctor thinks of your trousers.

Non-Spill Coffee

2007-07-27T06:07:00.000-07:00

Ping Hennigen's latest invention is non-spill coffee. You'll need a spoon to eat it.

We're Back

2007-07-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

The East Cork Patents Office is open for business again. We've spent the last six months renovating our office. We've been painting the walls, filling in all the holes and hunting all the creatures that had made their home in the building. One of them was breeding hamsters in our attic.

This is our new logo:

A Scarecrow

2006-12-21T08:25:00.000-08:00

A scarecrow that attracts penguins.

A Piano

2006-11-10T04:17:00.000-08:00

A piano with a monkey in it. It was invented by Needle Murphy. Some say it's not really an invention -- that he just can't get his monkey out of his piano. He re-iterated that there's been no breakdown in his relationship with his monkey, and even if there had been a rift, it wouldn't be over something as trivial as the monkey's socks.

News: Clotheslines, Rollerskates and Daffodils.

2006-11-04T04:45:00.000-08:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have been working on clotheslines, rollerskates and daffodils recently. Many local inventors have said that the BRDG will work on anything that provides an excuse to dress up like The A-Team and drive around in a black van. The BRDG responded by saying, "It's better than dressing up like Dracula and pretending you bit off your own leg to scare kids."

They've also announced details of a play they'll be staging to celebrate the life of Billy 'Jumping' Foggreen, who was Ballydeelin's first notable inventor in the nineteenth century. In accordance with Billy's outlook on life, the actors can do things to you, and there's little you can do in response. They've advised people to ignore Sinker Daly's ratio of action to reaction, which is that if someone touches you with a feather, you can break a chair off them. Something three times as provocative as touching someone with a feather would result in a reaction that's three times as powerful as breaking a chair. The play will also include an appearance by The A-Team. Their actions are expected to be many times more provocative than anything you could do with a feather.

A Tea Cup

2006-10-25T04:59:00.000-07:00

A tea cup that always lands on its paws and runs for cover.

A Watch

2006-10-17T04:39:00.000-07:00

A watch that tells you when it's Wednesday.

A Bin

2006-10-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

The inventor formerly known as Tom B (to distinguish him from Tom H) would henceforth like to be known as Lieutenant Leveral Over-Laugh. He says he got the name from a man called Ag who lives amongst the seaweed on a small beach. His latest invention is a bin that slowly spins around to keep you and your pet entertained. He says it keeps Ag occupied for days.

Jam and a Stick

2006-09-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

A jam-making machine and a stick that you can look at if you don't like the jam. The stick can also be used if you don't like your cat.

Coffinny

2006-09-16T04:15:00.000-07:00

Needle Murphy's company have started production on a drink called Coffinny. People who have tasted it say that the name gives no sense of the nettles and blue things in it, and they'd like to know what the blue things are, because they look a lot like the blue things that appeared in his soap.

Needle has also announced details of a deodourant called 'Doo-hooderant. He says it'll make you smell as good as your head. Some people have wondered if there's a connection between this and his ant-killer, which is called 'De-anteroox'. In promoting this, Needle mentioned that it'll make ants smell as good as bees, as well as killing them.

False Teeth

2006-09-02T04:41:00.000-07:00

False teeth that can also be used as a mouse trap if you put a piece of cheese in your mouth.

News: Wind-Generated Music

2006-08-31T04:37:00.000-07:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have been conducting experiments on wind-generated electricity. One of them has learnt how to play the flute. They point out that if the electric shock from their windmill was as mild as some people claim, it would have had little or no effect on him, but he learnt to play the flute. Critics point out that if the shock was as strong as it should have been, he'd never have chosen to learn an instrument that would make a perfect lightning conductor.

Sinker Daly has been thinking about the planets. He says it started out as a way to avoid thinking about his socks, but he found the planets fascinating and he started planning a mission to Mars. Work on that is temporarily on hold while he thinks about his socks again. Someone suggested that he think of them as twins, and this has made them much easier to understand. He's enjoying the clarity of his socks at the moment, but he hopes to return his thoughts to Mars within the next week.

A Miniature Shakespeare

2006-08-26T06:11:00.000-07:00

A miniature Shakespeare whose eyes will follow your every movement. The inventor, Sleepy Thistleton, claims that in tests Shakespeare was able to cling onto a subject's arms for over sixty hours, despite numerous attempts to remove him. A spokesman for The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group has questioned the value of these tests. He pointed out that only a limited amount of explosives could have been used in these attempts to remove Shakespeare because of the close proximity of the subject's arm to the subject. Sleepy responded by saying, "Love can be more powerful than any explosive." He made a female Shakespeare who clung to the subject's free arm. He told us that he discovered the power of love when his wife tried to shoot him in the back.

German Films

2006-08-19T06:16:00.000-07:00

A computer program that will convert all your home movies into German films. Its inventor denies that it just adds Hitler moustaches to people's faces. This is what he says to his critics, but he accepted the claim when he was talking to someone who thought the Hitler moustaches were very funny on babies.

A Robot

2006-08-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

A robot who'll calmly alert you when your flies are undone. This is another one of Ping Hennigen's robots. He's been working on calm robots recently, after a series of inventions that antagonised farm animals. The calm robots have organised an illegal betting ring, which Ping has taken as a sign of just how calm they are.

Springs

2006-08-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

Springs for your shoes for when you have a long way to go to talk to an ant.

A Fake Hand

2006-07-27T04:49:00.000-07:00

A fake hand that you can talk to when you're tired of talking to your own hands.

News: Needle's New ID.

2006-07-24T04:43:00.000-07:00

The latest product from Needle Murphy's company has received close attention from the police. It's a fake ID card that will make you appear old enough to have frisked Gene Kelly and Ginger Rogers. For it to be convincing, you'll need to learn the line 'They were very co-operative'.

Ping Hennigen is currently testing a gun that says 'Hey hey we're the Monkees' every three seconds, thus ensuring that you and your gun blend in with the environment during woodland hunting trips. He's said to be working with Needle Murphy's company on a fake hunting licence.

Knee Pads

2006-07-18T05:41:00.000-07:00

Knee pads that will alert you when your knees escape.

News: A Broken Harpsichord and a Wind Tunnel.

2006-07-06T04:59:00.000-07:00

Sinker Daly's latest invention is a harpsichord that The Beatles broke. The head of the Ballydeelin Research and Development Group has said that it can't be both an invention and a harpsichord that The Beatles broke and it's neither because there's a goat in it. Sinker responded by saying, "Is this like the time you saw all those grey monkeys and blue monkeys and grey monkeys?" It was Sinker himself who saw the grey monkeys and blue monkeys.

Hizzy Hickey has built his own wind tunnel. It comes after months of testing, which mostly involved knocking people's hats off with a stick. In response to suggestions that government property was damaged during the development of the wind tunnel, Hizzy said, "Absolutely. You name it, I damaged it." Critics have pointed out that it was Hizzy himself who made those suggestions.

A Thermometer

2006-07-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

A thermometer made out of spiders that say 'brrr' when it's cold. The thermometer needs to be attached to your leg to survive.

An Alarm Clock

2006-06-24T06:26:00.000-07:00

An alarm clock capable of travelling back in time to when it lived in a shoe.

News: Dizzy Ducks, Good and Bad Jeans.

2006-06-17T05:56:00.000-07:00

Trucie Gallagher released details of his latest invention last week. It's a sensor that will tell you whether Martians are angry, sad or dizzy. He couldn't find any Martians to test it on, but he has tested it extensively on ducks. Over 90% of the ducks were sad. This has led the Ballydeelin Research and Development Group to investigate why ducks are sad. A spokesman for the group said, "It may just be that there's a fundamental difference between Martians and ducks, and that a sad Martian might be very similar to a dizzy duck."

Needle Murphy's company have just unveiled their latest products: bad jeans and good jeans. Some of the jeans are in between. Needle expects people to buy them for the excitement that comes from not knowing if your jeans are bad or good until they do something to you.

Dominoes

2006-06-16T04:07:00.000-07:00

Dominoes with little feet and they dance when they're having a good time, and they're always having a good time, if you believe their inventor, Tim Bookimlou.

Mechanical Grasshoppers

2006-06-10T05:36:00.000-07:00

Mechanical grasshoppers that steal ice cream. They can remove their own eye lids and used them as spoons.

Little Peas

2006-06-01T05:57:00.000-07:00

Tiny little peas that say 'hmm' because they think they're just about to eat something.

News: Witch Matches in Boxes.

2006-05-25T06:03:00.000-07:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have been working on a match box full of tiny flame-haired witches who are anti-arson. A spokesman for the Group had to concede that in every box there's bound to be one or two who are pro-arson, and will actively encourage people to set things on fire. The spokesman also admitted that most of the witches are pro-smoking.

John Thousand-Percent has just unveiled his latest invention. It's a street sign that says 'Cindi Lauper Street' when no one is looking at it. When he was asked if other names could be used on the sign he said, "No, just Cindi Lauper."

A Mini-Bus

2006-05-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

A mini-bus with the ghosts of Al Capone and Judy Garland estimating how long they'd spend kissing if they were alive. Its inventor says he has the charts to prove it.

A Motorised Scooter

2006-05-17T05:44:00.000-07:00

A motorised scooter with a satellite navigation system that says 'weeeeeeeeeeeeee! ahh!' when you start moving.

News: Dancing Robots Seek Help.

2006-05-08T05:40:00.000-07:00

Ping Hennigen has been working on robots recently. Following the success of his butler robot, he's just unveiled robots that are capable of performing Irish dances and pulling wires out of walls. An expert on Irish dancing said they shouldn't be flailing their arms about and shouting 'Help, help!' while dancing, but another expert said he thought it added a degree of urgencey to the performance. Ping says he can get them to stop flailing their arms, but it involves removing their heads.

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group are working on a widescreen TV that's light enough to be carried by a donkey. During a recent press conference, they were forced to concede that it depends on the donkey, but they insist that their donkey was able to carry it over rough terrain up a hill. They carried their own camping equipment.

A Fake Beard

2006-05-04T04:49:00.000-07:00

A fake beard that eats itself when you're attacked by pirates.

An Iron

2006-04-29T04:41:00.000-07:00

An iron that knows the difference between Tarzan and Jane, but it believes that everyone is either Tarzan or Jane. It prefers Jane, as can be seen in the way it treats their clothes.

This is the latest invention of Hizzy Hickey. Some people have claimed that the iron's instruction manual was written by 500 monkeys playing 500 cellos, but Hizzy insists that the monkeys and cellos are for an unrelated project.

A Magnifying Glass

2006-04-27T04:10:00.000-07:00

A magnifying glass that poisons sheep. Its inventor says he just wanted to see the tiny dancers in the nooks and crannies of his shed, laughing as they go around and around, holding hands, and that the poisoning of the sheep was just a useful side-effect.

A Wardrobe

2006-04-20T04:44:00.000-07:00

A wardrobe that cleans the blood from your golf shoes.

A Milk Jug

2006-04-13T04:35:00.000-07:00

A milk jug that tells you when you're wearing the wrong trousers. Ideal for parties or picnics, but it doesn't matter anyway (Sinker Daly has been adding the 'doesn't matter anyway' clause to many of his inventions recently).

Small Dogs

2006-04-09T08:37:00.000-07:00

Small dogs you can prepare for shows to distract you from the fruitless inquiries you'd make into why your attic is missing.

A Papal Alarm Clock

2006-03-31T03:38:00.000-08:00

The Papal alarm clock is one of many new inventions by Sinker Daly, but he's yet to build any prototypes. For the past week he's been sitting in a field with the glue he found, and he refuses to give it back until the crows leave his caravan, 'Goodbye Crows' is the title of the novel he wrote. He says he hopes everyone will read it because there's a lesson in it for all of us, especially the crows. He refused to comment when he was asked if he'd read the book himself.

A Helmet

2006-03-30T05:16:00.000-08:00

A helmet that makes you believe you're Kraftwerk, all four of them. This is the latest invention of Ted 'Tweedie' Twedache. In his demonstration of the helmet, he tapped things with a spoon and nodded, because that's what he thinks Kraftwerk do. He's also keeping a list of all the things he's hit off his head while wearing the helmet. He says that something ran away with that list.

Robots

2006-03-29T03:40:00.000-08:00

Robots whose shoulders are also their wives. They're programmed to say, "I was playing golf with my knees," whenever their shoulders want to know where they've been.

News: The Butler Did It.

2006-03-25T06:11:00.000-08:00

Ping Hennigen revealed his latest invention on the street outside the community centre last night. It's a mechanical butler that says 'Do not be alarmed' and sets things on fire. Ping says he added in the 'Do not be alarmed' message after he noticed the butler's tendency to set things on fire. In response to criticism of the butler, Ping said, "Would anyone be talking about a butler who didn't set things on fire?"

Needle Murphy's musical Mother's Day cards have been selling very well, and his company is expanding all the time. From next month, they'll be producing an insect spray called 'I killed something on your head'. When asked what other products were in the pipeline, Needle mentioned something he calls 'pig's utensicles', which can be used to kill rabbits or in aroma therapy. When it was pointed out that the name 'pig's utensicles' would be likely to put people off, he said that was like saying that 'a dead horse' is a bad way to describe a dead horse.

A Fake Beard

2006-03-23T04:41:00.000-08:00

A fake beard stuck in a mangle that will provide the ideal excuse for getting out of family engagements.

Glasses

2006-03-21T06:08:00.000-08:00

Glasses that make September look like the day in August when you saw something very interesting on a wall.

A Box

2006-03-18T08:10:00.000-08:00

A box that you can look into and say, "This isn't exactly my area." Sinker Daly says it has made him appear 35% more intelligent. He used the box to give a thorough account of his research methods at the Ballydeelin Research and Development Group's new Centre for Research and Technology.

A Slide Machine

2006-03-15T05:54:00.000-08:00

A slide machine that makes everything look like a cowboy next to a cardboard horse.

News: Polyphonic Musical 'Please' Card.

2006-03-11T05:46:00.000-08:00

Needle 'Thomas Aquinas' Murphy has set up a company in Ballydeelin to make polyphonic musical cards. They've already created 'thank you' and birthday cards, and next week they'll be releasing a 'please' card. Needle says it has the effect of getting down on your knees in tears and saying, "If you don't marry me I'll die alone, and I'll even let you kill that thing in the bathroom."

They're currently working on a range of cards that will provide a musical expression of friendship. Needle told us, "It'll be like when Starsky runs to Hutch and they embrace in the same way those two goats fell off the cliff, not in any intimate sort of a way."

Trucie Gallagher has written a DIY book from an inventor's perspective. It's called 'Honey I balls'd up the microwave'. He'll be signing copies at Leary's bookshop on Tuesday.

A Fake Forehead

2006-03-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

An abnormally large fake forehead with 'auctioneer' written on it. Ping Hennigen says he used it to sell his brother's cow shed.

A Computerised Job Interviewer.

2006-03-07T06:09:00.000-08:00

A computerised job interviewer that can be implanted in a goat's head.

News: Wednesday Not Knitted by Tuesday.

2006-03-05T07:45:00.000-08:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have distanced themselves from the statements attributed to one of its members during a press conference to unveil their latest research into gambling. During the question and answer session at the end, it emerged that he believes Wednesday to be something knitted by Tuesday. When he was asked where Tuesday comes from he said, "I don't know for definite, but I think it's something painted onto the gable end of my house by Monday. I'd have to observe the gable end of my house before answering that definitively."

A spokesman for the Group claimed that his remarks were taken out of context and rejected reports that he has been staring at the gable end of his house ever since the press conference. They have also asked local teenagers to stop throwing cans at him.

Sinker Daly has released the latest version of his automated wedding planner. The groom now comes in three different shades of grey. He has denied ever using a cat as a bride.

A Map

2006-03-03T07:30:00.000-08:00

A map obscured by the words 'I'm almost exploding with excitement'.

Drunk Lava Lamps.

2006-03-02T04:35:00.000-08:00

Drunk lava lamps.

News: Doubt Cast on Microphone Jump

2006-02-23T07:02:00.000-08:00

Ping Hennigen has invented a computerised voice box that will come up with an excuse for any awkward situation you find yourself in -- you just have to move your lips to the sound of the voice. It can be set to say either 'It was you who said it was a fire engine' or 'A goat ate my shoe'.

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have given their approval to the voice box, but they've cast doubt over another other recent invention by Ping: jumping over a microphone on a BMX. Critics have suggested that it's not really an invention at all, and that he came nowhere near jumping over the microphone anyway. They say he cycled into a wall and said, "I'm going for a shower."

This comes just a few months after the Group dismissed the glass he invented. They also questioned his claim to have invented a coat that will make you invisible at weekends. They pointed out that Ping tends to get lost in the forest a lot.

Headphones

2006-02-21T04:51:00.000-08:00

Headphones that will hypnotise you into thinking you're watching mud wrestling when you're attending the marriage of the person you love to someone who put a dead crow in your car.

A Robot.

2006-02-17T08:08:00.000-08:00

A robot that will take your place at events you'd rather not attend. Says 'Mommy' and runs with out-stretched arms towards replacement hips.

Business Cards

2006-02-14T04:52:00.000-08:00

Business cards that can be used as sunglasses if you've got exceptionally good eyesight.

A Telescope

2006-02-11T04:06:00.000-08:00

A telescope that really, really likes you.

News: Inventions Night in Ballydeelin.

2006-02-09T04:39:00.000-08:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group held a showcase for local inventors last Friday night. The Mayor himself took part, with a camera that he claims can photograph ghosts. Unfortunately, the images he exhibited on the night were all of him killing chickens. "I don't know how all fifty-six of them got in there," he said.

Another highlight was the Mayor's brother, Joe. He invented a voodoo doll dictionary. If you say a word, the doll will give a definition. On the night, the only phrases the doll said were things like 'set the table, Ally MacBeal' or 'fail in your job, Ally MacBeal'. "He's doing this on purpose," Joe said. "He's been angry with me since I stuck a pin in his back. But he does give very good advice on relationships too. Now wouldn't be the best time to ask about that."

A Bon Jovi Fan.

2006-02-09T04:37:00.000-08:00

The longest Bon Jovi fan on the planet. Special thongs required.

A Dimmer Switch

2006-02-08T06:13:00.000-08:00

An interactive dimmer switch that answers 'He's gone to get the scissors' when you ask it a question.

News: Vampire Bat Key Ring Knows Foot.

2006-02-01T04:28:00.000-08:00

Trucie Gallagher unveiled his latest invention yesterday. It's a vampire bat that he trained to be a key ring. He guarantees that you'll never lose your keys again, unless the bat gets lost, or hides because he's angry with you (Trucie has also trained the bat to understand the concept of its own birthday, and he says the bat would be very upset with you if you forgot that). He also trained the bat to say 'yes' or 'no' when you ask the question 'is that my foot?'. A member of The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group has said that the bat says 'yes' in a very funny way when you ask 'is that my neck?'. Trucie says you're not supposed to say 'is that my neck?'.

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have revealed that they're working on stair steps that say things when you stand on them. Some of the basic phrases used by the steps will by 'have you lost weight?', or 'no, that's not creaking, it's just... it's just Jimmy; he's digging a hole'.

Electronic Tags.

2006-01-28T04:47:00.000-08:00

Electronic tags for rabbits that simulate the experience of guilt from an affair with a woman who threw a cigarette lighter at a bus shelter.

A Bear Detector

2006-01-25T03:54:00.000-08:00

A bear detector that will make you look 15% more virile.

Shoes

2006-01-21T05:59:00.000-08:00

Shoes that know who Kate Bush is.

News: Not the Future

2006-01-18T04:24:00.000-08:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group have recently been examining an invention by a local woman, Mrs. Tree-Placename. In their report, they say they are satisfied that it's not a 'clairvoyant TV' that will show you the future, but that it's really just a video of Mrs. Tree-Placename doing various exercises and saying, "Where am I? Am I... I thought I was there, but am I? This is really spooky. Where am I now? Oooh. I don't know where I am. This is really, really spooky." Mrs. Tree-Placename says she knew they would say that, and she insists her TV is over seventy percent effective.

Our local hang man, 'Curly' Forenoon, has been out of work for a while due to the lack of hangings. Over the past few years he's had moderate success as an inventor. His most ambitious project was a symphony orchestra who are incapable of perceiving rats. But he's given up the inventing and he's turned his hand to writing children's books, hoping to present a more positive image of his profession. His first book is called 'Toy Toy Happy Day Puppy Toy Puppy Toy Hanging', and it goes on sale next week.

Factories

2006-01-12T04:03:00.000-08:00

Factories for bad cats to work in.

Shampoo

2006-01-10T04:52:00.000-08:00

Shampoo that will temporarily blind your servants.

News: Not a Lovely Pony, Say Group.

2006-01-07T05:59:00.000-08:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group are investigating an incident at a recent conference, when their chairman was giving a speech. The opening text in the autocue was replaced by the following words: "And now a pony. Look at the lovely pony. Isn't that a lovely, lovely pony. If you saw that pony on the street now, wouldn't you say that's a lovely pony altogether. Woudn't you love to give that pony a kiss. Go on, give the pony a great big kiss there. Go on. No one's looking. It's such a lovely, lovely pony."

A spokesman for the group said they're taking the incident very seriously, and they fully expect to find the culprits.

We're sad to announce the death of a great local inventor, Stick Gray-Sheehan, who passed away earlier this week, aged ninety-four. Some of his most famous inventions include an abacus operated by a crossbow, and a kitchen that slopes to one side, the direction of the slope determined by shooting lightbulbs. He left behind thousands of blueprints and a dog who knows what Stick said on his deathbed, but he won't tell anyone in case they accuse him of being racist, an accusation often levelled against Stick.

A T-shirt

2006-01-04T04:59:00.000-08:00

A T-shirt with the words 'I've got a pliers' that emits chloroform when someone tries to take your pliers.

A ___.

2005-12-31T06:10:00.000-08:00

A ___ with a ___ ___ and a ___ that makes you instantly rich. The blanks to be filled in by Stephen Hawking and Richard Branson.

A Treasure Map, a Spider and a Honey Jar

2005-12-28T06:18:00.000-08:00

A treasure map, a spider and a honey jar. Can be used to generate electricity.

News: 'Invisible' Chimney Brush to Reduce Risks.

2005-12-23T04:15:00.000-08:00

The Ballydeelin Research and Development Group are nearing the completion of their work on a chimney brush that cannot be detected by radar. They have strongly rejected reports that seven orphans were killed while they were developing this brush. They say that one orphan glued a ruler to his head in a completely unrelated incident, and that this has been exagerated to the story about the death of seven orphans.

They have recently announced the results of research from last Christmas. They say that 25% of all accidents with Christmas trees happen as a result of an argument about how to spell the word 'oceanography'. The other 75% are the result of trying to get a pet falcon to wear the clothes that 'Santa' brought it. They have asked people to bear these statistics in mind over the Christmas period.